


What You Feel Is What You Are And What You Are Is Beautiful

by Sweetysweetssugarytreats



Series: He Will Be Loved [2]
Category: Gintama
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Gintoki wants to see Hijikata smile, Love, M/M, Romance, and can this be considered running away?, is this what they mean by pillow talk?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-11
Updated: 2019-04-11
Packaged: 2020-01-11 05:34:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18423906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweetysweetssugarytreats/pseuds/Sweetysweetssugarytreats
Summary: “Do you want to run away with me?”“If by running away you mean running to the nearest convenience store to buy strawberry milk, the answer is no.”





	What You Feel Is What You Are And What You Are Is Beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to make a part two because I couldn’t just leave it like that. And since I first discovered this song I have been obsessed with it, I thought I could combine the two things together.  
> Title and Inspiration come from the song linked in the beginning.
> 
>  
> 
> Edit: After re-reading this... please don't waste your time actually reading this crap. It's really bad.

 

 

_And I'll do anything you ever dreamed to be complete_

 

_Little pieces of the nothing that fall_

 

 

_Oh, why don't you slide into my room_

 

_Just slide into my room_

_Oh we’ll run away, run away, run away_

_-Goo Goo Dolls,[Slide](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gp68qgkzAzw)_

 

 

 

Gintoki scrunched up his eyes in his sleep, distantly feeling the last threads of drowsiness slipping away from him, gradually starting to wake up. The first thing to enter his vision was an unbalanced mixture between white and yellow, making him blink haphazardly a few times until the wheels in his mind started whirring and working, and he could tell that the blurred colors were caused by the sunlight streaming in through the large windows and bathing in its light the white sheets he currently found himself in.

He suppressed a yawn and stretched, relief seeped into his sore muscles and made him breathe in deeply. Mid-stretch he rolled on his side and found someone else beside him. A content smile took over his lips the moment he saw him.

Gintoki woke up beside his love.

He still felt in somewhat of a daze, but could not decide if it was because he had woken up somewhere he didn’t quite recognize yet, or because of Hijikata, although something told him the second option had a better chance in his scale of probabilities.

As silently and carefully as he could, he placed his hand on the side of Hijikata’s face, gently stroking the soft skin of his cheekbone with his thumb. Their legs brushed against each other, tangled. And he got lost in the simple and intimate moment of watching his lover resting peacefully. Now that his mind had cleared up a little, the memories caught up to him in the string of events that happened over the past few days, last night was still etched in his memory. The impression of Hijikata’s tears still too fresh inside his heart.

Gintoki tucked a few stray strands of dark hair behind his ear, a gesture he was so used to normally do to show his affection in the simplest of ways. Hijikata didn’t move, he seemed so untroubled, if only he could stay this way, with that peace he was able to chase in his sleep. But more times than not the world was unforgiving on this aspect.

The worst thing was seeing someone he loved so much be in pain. It was not fair. He tried to alleviate it, but he kept thinking how his efforts ended up in failure more times than not. He felt useless. If only he could take all of his pain and make it his own, he wouldn’t mind if it hurt so much his chest would end up breaking because if he could take all of it away then he would be happy to do so.

Because Gintoki wanted to be his lighthouse when Hijikata found himself surrounded by cold waves and darkness, even if after all this time he knew that Hijikata had been the light to guide him back home.

And now Gintoki wanted to be his home.

He let out an inaudible sigh, as if he was trying to exhale all the negative emotions trapped inside his lungs and his head. He just wished he could do more, but didn’t even know where to begin.

In that moment Hijikata shifted, detaching him from his bleak thoughts and making him tumble into certainly far more pleasant ones. Gintoki kept ghosting his thumb across the smooth skin, watching almost in awe as his lover's eyelashes fluttered, hiding orbits of blue he couldn’t live without anymore. It took more than a few seconds for Hijikata to give signs of his conscious state, his eyelids quivered and he peeked at him through those tired eyes. A sweet smile automatically lifted up the edges of Gintoki’s lips.

“Good morning, sleepyhead.” He greeted in a low voice, watching his boyfriend’s adorable awakening process.

“…mmh.” Hijikata mumbled incoherently, still holding onto the sweet arms of Morfeo. He moved closer, seeking warmth. It made Gintoki’s stomach tighten with blue butterflies batting their wings away as he tenderly wrapped one arm around his lover and pulled him to himself.

Hijikata fell into him without question and Gintoki rested his chin on the sweet scented jet black hair, lingering in the cloud of expensive shampoo. Even if Hijikata’s schedule often began in the early hours of the morning, he always needed a small amount of time after he woke up to do things. Things like being alive, for example. He really wasn’t as much of a morning person as he liked to believe. At times Gintoki was tasked with providing him his morning dose of caffeine, other times he just stared at the ‘zombie’ and cooed mockingly, mostly because he found cuter than anyone ought to be.

Hijikata seemed to be done with the sleeping realm for the moment, however, because he slid slightly away and opened those baby blues of his that Gintoki would die for. God, he wanted to wake up to his eyes for the rest of his life.

“You’re so beautiful.” The words automatically rushed out of his mouth, he couldn’t keep them in, not when he was next to him. But he didn’t mean them only because of his outward appearance since he knew exactly how Hijikata was on the inside too. In the back of his mind he kept asking himself why people who were so beautiful on the inside kept getting hurt the most.

The hit Gintoki expected came only a little later, and it lacked the force behind it as Hijikata's hand settled on his shoulder. “…Shut up.” He mumbled in answer, as always trying to put up a wall of irritation to cover the sea of embarrassment he felt every time Gintoki said something nice.

Which happened quite often, because Gintoki liked to think of himself as a marvellous boyfriend who spoiled his other half with words and gestures, and sometimes gifts too. When he wasn’t on the verge of being broke, that is. He cracked a little grin and brushed his fingers through those heavenly locks.

"No, I’m serious. You should be in one of those magazine covers instead of those models who ‘woke up looking like this’. You’d put everyone to shame.” He was only half-joking.

Hijikata rolled his eyes at him, or tried to in his sleepy state, but Gintoki definitely caught the smile he hid in the covers and in his pillow, letting the giddiness spread over him at the sight.

“…you are…” Hijikata uttered after a while, making Gintoki lean in a tad more.

“What?” He asked confused, still too focused on the beauty radiating next to him to hear the words properly.

This man was so bad for his heart.

Hijikata glanced away for a moment, as if debating with himself whether or not he was deserving of knowing such important and pivotal thoughts (at least in Gintoki’s mind). But then he apparently stopped debating with himself and frowned up at him, and Gintoki wondered, not for the first time, how much self-control he was able to generate because he wanted nothing more than to kiss those pouty lips until his own ached in the sweetest way.

“Don’t make me say it.” Hijikata muttered, almost shyly.

“Don’t make you say what?” For once Gintoki was not teasing, but actually clueless.

Hijikata bit his lower lip, drawing Gintoki’s attention there, then sighed deeply as if he was holding onto a terrible secret. For a moment Gintoki actually got worried, until he heard the words coming out of his boyfriend’s lips.

“…You’re beautiful."

Gintoki froze.

It felt like someone had punched him with the prettiest bouquet of flowers and dumped a cascade of warm chocolate all over him, and other thousand of things that were pretty and warm and soft and- wow, how was his soul still intact?

“Fuck, warn someone before you decide to give them the shock of their life.” Gintoki complained breathlessly, pressing a hand over his heart to at least try and slow it down before it decided it had enough of its confines and exploded right out of his chest.

Hijikata blinked at the response, then he tried to cover up his snickers at Gintoki’s helpless state.

“Hey! Giving your boyfriend that kind of scare at the crack of dawn is not something ‘funny’, okay?”

“Mmh.” Hijikata hummed easily, enjoying the situation way too much for Gintoki’s poor heartstrings.

“You little…” Instead of finishing his sentence Gintoki decided to take his revenge in another way, that was why he surged forward and tried to kiss his boyfriend. Keyword: tried. Because a hand shot out of nowhere and blocked the path to said boyfriend’s lips.

Gintoki grabbed the offending hand in a tender grasp and narrowed his eyes, a little disoriented at the interruption. “Why are you stopping me?”

“Morning breath. Gross.” Hijikata spoke quickly and robotically, because when he was tired he didn’t like losing himself in words (but only in sleep and affection).

Gintoki raised an amused brow. “I’ve had my fair share of gross experiences in life, you know? I sit less than one foot away from you whenever you’re drinking that awful conglomerate of mayonnaise and coffee that makes me want to puk- ow!” He yelped and rubbed the sore spot on his arm where he had been hit, again. “What was that for?”

“Do not insult mayonnaise in my presence.” Hijikata scolded gravely, as if he had been personally offended. Then he paused and re-traced his steps. “Wait, no- do not insult mayonnaise even when I’m not here.”

Gintoki rolled his eyes and almost snorted out loud. Hijikata got back at him with a pinch.

“Ouch!” He shielded his poor arm, that once again had been in the wrong place at the wrong time. “Okay, okay, fine.”  Then his voice lowered to a mutter (still with an adoring lilt to it). “…you’re so moody sometimes.”

Hijikata narrowed his eyes. “What did you say?”

“Nothing.” Gintoki amended quickly, not wanting to be caught on the bad end of a pinch attack for now, his arm had already suffered enough as it was.

He scooted closer instead and angled his face enough to plant a noisy kiss on Hijikata’s cheek, making him turn away and pretending to push him back, and after a while Gintoki didn’t know who was giggling between the two of them. He then took another approach and started placing soft, butterfly kisses all over his temple, cheek and jaw, making Hijikata's eyes slip closed as he leaned in and relaxed against him.

“As I was saying, if I have been-” Gintoki paused, trying to find a way to say the words that wouldn’t 'offend' his boyfriend, and also save his arm. “-doing  _that_ for years, how could I even care about morning breath? ‘Sides you’re fine, you always smell like flowers or something.”

True. Most people questioned the meaning of life, Gintoki questioned why his lover was so perfect under every aspect.

He slowly let his lips caress the expanse of skin between Hijikata’s cheekbone and lips, kissing the edge of his mouth and stroking the skin with his own lips. Hijikata sighed pleasantly, drawing closer. Gintoki smiled broadly at his small triumph, nipping at his mouth and making Hijikata laugh quietly until he was turning towards him properly.

They kissed without any rush, not wanting anything else in the world other than  _this_. With their breaths meddled and their hearts syncopated, their eyes were reflecting off of each other, blue and red colliding like a shower of stars. Hijikata was looking at him, just focusing on him, as if he was connecting the dots in his mind in a way that only he knew how to do. As if he was studying him to draw him, with tired but attentive eyes. There was an edge in that gaze and the hint of a smile on his lips. Gintoki wondered, not for the first time, how he could be considered a subject to such an outstanding artist. In that moment he could feel his heart beating out of his chest.

“You’re perfect.” He almost blurted out, the words kept attaching themselves to his brain every time his eyes fell on Hijikata. He had never met someone like him, someone so passionate, so hard-working, stubborn, kind, humble, strong and beautiful _._  Because all of his extraordinary qualities were what made him so  _beautiful_. He was exactly what Gintoki imagined perfection to mean.

Hijikata almost gaped at him, as if this was a revelation and he had never been aware of just how breathtaking as a person he really was. “…I’m really not.” Then diverted his gaze and muttered under his breath in the way people who didn’t know they were perfect would do.

Gintoki took his chin between his forefinger and thumb and gently tilted his head so they would face each other once again. “You are.” Even if his voice was low it felt so loud in that spacious and silent room. He stared into his eyes to make sure that the words would get locked in Hijikata’s head and in his heart. “You just can’t see yourself the way everyone else does.”

Hijikata looked away for a moment more, the apples of his cheeks were taking on a lovely shade of pink, then their eyes found each other. “…If you say so.” But from the heat radiating off his face that Gintoki could feel on his hand, and the upward tilt of his lips, he knew that Hijikata at least accepted his words.

A lazy grin with spots of happiness thrown in it danced across Gintoki’s face and the atmosphere took on a more playful turn. “But don’t worry, like I said I’m going to repeat just how perfect you are everyday. Until we’re grey and old, and you’ll chase me down our mowed lawn at a snail’s pace while waving your slipper in the air ‘cause I’ll annoy you to death with how much I compliment you every single time we’re in the same room. And since we’re gonna be married and live in the same house, that means it’s going to happen a  _lot._ Even Peter and Martha- those are the names of our future neighbors by the way- will roll their eyes at us, but still smile because that’s just our kind of love.”

Hijikata blinked once, twice, let the story settle in, and then a bout laughter came out at the mental images he made up in his head. Unbeknownst to Gintoki that was one of the most romantic things he had ever been told.

“Okay.” He relented in the end, Gintoki’s grin was contagious.

“Okay.” Gintoki echoed, his own grin softening into a smile as he surged forward and stole another kiss from him.

Hijikata let himself be kissed and Gintoki let himself fall more into this pit of lightness and softness and love, this kind of love he could only feel with him. But no matter how many kisses, or smiles, or jokes they shared between them, a dark cloud was still hanging above their heads and it felt like they were trying to waste as much time as they could before they had to face life.

Gintoki could read in Hijikata’s eyes that there was that heaviness that didn’t want to leave, an unwelcome reminder of the unfavorable circumstances they found themselves in. He resumed in showing his affection with tender caresses, trying to lighten the blow, Hijikata’s eyes were darkening already with the distressing thoughts catching up to him.

“…Are you okay?” Even if Gintoki was dying to know how he was truly feeling he dreaded the answer.

Hijikata almost startled when he voiced the question. His expression was still clouded with specks of sorrow, making Gintoki’s heart feel heavy inside his chest. But as if in slow motion the hint of a smile bloomed on his lips. “Better… now that you’re here.”

Gintoki was the one to avert his gaze this time because he felt that the words were only uttered for his wellbeing rather than reflecting the truth. And of course Hijikata read right into it. Gintoki was surprised when his face was suddenly grabbed in Hijikata's hands, but the fire he read inside those eyes made him swallow in equal parts fear and admiration.

“I’m serious. These past days felt like they would never end. I was trying to live through it, but that just made everything…  _worse_. I was a wreck. And now-” Hijikata dove right in, sealing his truth in Gintoki’s lips for mere seconds that lasted days in their heads. “-now that you’re here…” He continued a hair breath’s away, so close the emotion burning behind his eyes was unmistakable. “…I feel like I can breathe.”

There was so much hopelessness and hope behind those words Gintoki felt like someone had ripped his heart and left all the love inside of him to bleed out. Never in his life had someone said something more meaningful to him.

In the blink of an eye he threw his arms around Hijikata and hugged him tightly to his chest, because he felt like he might suffocate if he didn’t hold him close. And because he didn’t want to let him see the tears prickling at the corners of his eyes.

Gintoki didn’t know how much they remained locked in the warm embrace. But they stayed like that until time didn’t matter anymore. Until nothing mattered but them. Until his eyes weren’t burning anymore. Until he felt like he wouldn’t crumble down. Until they were laying side by side again, communicating comfort through their eyes.

“…I will believe you.” Gintoki broke the silence first, but his tone hinting at mischievousness. “But on one condition.”

Hijikata eyed him warily, as if Gintoki would conjure one of the most absurd requests that he would have to fulfill.

“You have to say you love me first.”

Truth to be told Gintoki just wanted to hear the words again. And to see his lover squirm in embarrassment, that was something he always found amusing. Of course he wasn’t a complete asshole and always kissed the pretty blush away.

Hijikata scoffed. “Fuck you.”

Gintoki wiggled his eyebrows with a mockingly naughty expression. “Sure, but that comes after you say you love me.”

Hijikata’s brows knitted to the center of his forehead in one of the cutest expressions Gintoki had ever seen him make. Then his eyes went wide and color fired up his face, he was opening and closing his mouth like a little fish when the meaning of the words dawned on him. Absolutely adorable, if you asked Gintoki.

“I wasn’t talking about  _that!”_ Hijikata hit his arm again in what was a habit whenever he was embarrassed and Gintoki welcomed the gesture every time if it meant he could witness such a reaction.

He shrugged, still trying to look nonchalant even if inside he felt anything but. “Too bad, seems like you are now.”

“G-Gintoki!”

“What? Just stating facts.” He had mirth written all over his face, but his eyes remained as soft as ever.

Hijikata spluttered some more and sighed, wanting to be annoyed but he wasn’t exactly succeeding in doing so. Gintoki knew just how to push at his buttons and that was what probably should be the most irritating factor of all. After a few more seconds of grumbling under his breath he turned to fully face him, giving in.

Hijikata stared at him through his long and dark eyelashes, as if studying his expression in search of something. He lowered his gaze when he found it, staring fixedly at Gintoki’s collarbones as if talking himself into something he had to do.

“I love you.” But when he whispered it, it was quietly and abruptly, with no hesitation, and the splash of red on his cheeks was the perfect shade of sincerity.

Gintoki should probably remind himself how to breathe because no matter how many times he heard it, it was still like being electrocuted alive, in the best way. Honestly he didn’t even know if that made sense, but most of the time loving Hijikata didn’t make sense and that was probably what was so special about it. Love should not have a logical sense to follow, it should be free and out of the lines and unpredictable, and Gintoki loved how their relationship reflected this.

“…There, I said it. Happy now?” Hijikata asked sarcastically, the blush was back full force on his face and Gintoki felt zig-zags of electricity wash all over him.

“Yeah, I’m happy.” He answered in the most truthful way. He was definitely smiling like an idiot and he could feel it himself just how softhe was coming across. Good for him Hijikata loved  _soft_. (Unknown to him, sometimes Hijikata was worried his heart would explode with this bursting happiness threatening to overwhelm him from what he said or did.)

Gintoki softly grazed his lips over Hijikata’s cheek, he could feel the warmth of his skin spreading in the middle of his chest. “…I love you too.” He smiled into his skin, he wanted Hijikata to know just how badly he meant those words that took his breath away every single time he uttered them.

And then of course Gintoki started blowing raspberries all over his neck, shocking Hijikata and making him roll over, and they became tangled in another mess of limbs and lips. Hijikata couldn’t keep the chuckles at bay as he wrapped his arms around him and got lost in the moment of affection.

Moments like this were what Gintoki cherished the most. He stroked his lover’s hair softly, one of his favorite things to do, trying not to get lost in the million words he wanted to say, and that he could see Hijikata wanted to say right back trapped inside his eyes. He settled for choosing a few he wanted to let out for some time now.

“Do you want to run away with me?” He whispered in the stillness of the room.

Hijikata was speechless, because from out of everything he could have expected Gintoki to say this was not included in the options. But the more he thought about the question and about  _who_ had asked him that question, the more his eyes narrowed in wariness as he looked over Gintoki’s innocent and angelic face.

Hijikata frowned. “If by running away you mean running to the nearest convenience store to buy strawberry milk, the answer is no.”

“Okay, I had my big and romantic moment last night. Can’t a guy get a break?” Gintoki huffed. “Besides, we’d buy mayonnaise too.”

Hijikata’s face split into a little grin as he pinched Gintoki’s waist, making him squeak and laugh. To protect his sensitive sides Gintoki took Hijikata’s hands into his own, clasping them together and interlocking their fingers. He left a few pecks on his face until their laughter subsided a bit.

“Let’s just run away for a bit?” Gintoki genuinely asked with the perfect amount of love inside his eyes.

How could Hijikata ever say no to that? “…Yeah. Let’s run away for a bit.”

For a little while they ran away, being everything each other’s world should be made of.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Because a bit of happiness after some sadness was much needed and I like when these two are happy :)


End file.
